myself

[[[I tend to post these types of things only to my myspace blog, but more and more i feel people aren't on myspace, so I am posting here as well]]]

i am me. through and through, my insides and out, I am just Lana. I am the person behind all of my actions, and all of my struggles, I feel my pain and frustrations.

I feel like I can't do anything. Today I feel weighed down by my abilities. I can't wake up early, but lazily hit snooze for an hour. I am still new at my job, and therefore don't always know what I am doing, which makes me feel inadequate. Then I'm trying to learn french, and I just can't do it. Why does it feel sometimes like everyone is smarter than you, and better than you at everything?

And then a 2 year scar re-surfaces, and the pain feels so fresh again, like it just happened. It hurts so bad, but I miss it so much. Sometimes I really wish I didn't live across the country from my entire family, and some of my old friends. I wanted to call my mom today and see if she wanted to eat lunch with me, except that she is on the other side of the world. I wasn't meant to exist so far away from my family. Its so hard.

I am such a different Lana than I was 2 years ago. Mostly for the better, but still sometimes I want to be back in LA with my old friends, those that were the closest to me fell apart at the end in such an ugly way, but before that they were the best, closest friends i had. I have my friends here, but not that constant everyday companionship like those 2. I don't have any memories here. I miss my memories. I didn't think after 2 years I would still feel so new. But I am so new to this city, and my life here. It also doesn't help that I've been out of the picture the last 6 weeks. I need people in my life. I can't get along without companionship. Some people can, but I certainly need other people in my life.

I just really didn't have a good day. Emotionally I've felt so weighed down. I'm so glad to have my cell tonight.

tricks from the trade

or from my mother :) Do you buy the all-natural peanut butter where the oil separates from the peanut butter, and you're left with an oily mess every time you try to use it?

Store it upside down! The oil will still rise to the top, but when you flip it over to use it, it will be at the bottom, and eliminates the mess.

hooray for moms!

gadgets and gizmos

This year, Christmas definitely had a theme for me. Baking/cooking! When you don't ask for anything, everything you get is a surprise, and such a treat. Here is a montage of my favorite things i received this year.

doubles as a punch bowl!

whirlwind life

i feel like my life has been in a constant state of movement the past few months. Really, since I left Urban, starting with Johnny, and going to Switzerland. With the holidays, trips up to Boston, and the normal life stuff..its been go go go. The past few trips up to Boston have been pretty good. Most recently I went up there with Lindsey, her beau and sister, and my b- for Johnny's holiday party. There was tons of snow, which was awesome, and i got to go to my favorite vintage store, where I got a lovely dress, and 3 new creamers/mini pitchers for my collection. Dave snapped this picture of lc and I, which i absolutely love:



The time before that, Clark and I went out with Dave for "trivia" (quizzo). Our lovely team won first place, and I even knew a few answers!



I JUST got home from spending Christmas in Florida with Weegie's family (and a few days with some of my relatives) it was SO nice to see Laura and Betsy. I got 4 new cookbooks, which i am REALLY excited about, and some other cooking/baking accessories. It was a great week.

And then here we are, at New Year's again. I love the thought of a crisp new year. I look back at last years goals, and I accomplished so much! With each new year, I pick a new "challenge"; 2008's being going without a car. I think that it taught me a lot, and overall was a great experience. This year I have decided to only shop at thrift stores for a year. This is going to be a good one for me.

Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year!

Hello from FL

So we've been down in Florida for the past few days. Yesterday we went down to Disneyworld at night to see the lights. I really wanted to go on at least 1 roller coaster, so Weeg and Laura waited in line with me to go on Tower of Terror. I love roller coasters. We got ice cream, and walked around the crazy "Osbourne Family Spectacle of Dancing Lights" display. It was pretty magical.

We're headed to my family's house tomorrow for a night. I'm excited for Weegie to be bombarded with my side of the family :)

cookies and snow

this Christmas has been a whirlwind. I feel like I haven't been "home" in months. I realized yesterday that I hadn't decorated my tree (its pretty much dead) and I hadn't made cookies! COOKIES! Holiday baking is what i love best about this season, and it depresses me slightly that I haven't had any time for my first love.

Walter and I, plus lc, erik, and hannah all trekked up to Boston last weekend for Johnny's Christmas party. It snowed like crazy (HOORAY!) and we had a blast. It was great to have friends get together. We got home last night, and left this morning for Florida. We got here, and its in the 80's all week. from 17 degrees in Philly, to 80 here..i had to pack shorts.

Betsy and Laura made cookies early today, and so I am about to go help decorate them. I love Weegie's family. They are the best. Betsy got me mini baking pans (so cute!) and Laura brought me this AMAZING wood and mother of pearl ring. It's perfect! I feel so exhausted, but I am so glad to be here with his family. Merry Christmas to you!

polaroid

I found a GREAT application yesterday that lets you take ordinary pictures from your computer, and convert them to look like Polaroids. With the loss of Polaroid Cameras, and film this year, it's a great, cheap alternative to get that unmistakable Polaroid look.

Polaroid Application

My Befores:




My Afters:

feeling blue

It's so weird to me, that so many little things can add up to me feeling bummed out. The tiniest little things. But It's only 12:15, and I already feel like I want to cry. And then being sad makes me extra sensitive to other things, and its just a great big snowball effect to an awful day. 1 thing after another. Sometimes I wish I had a friend I could call in the middle of the day, who would come over and make fudge with me. Baking always makes me feel better. At least it's raining.

::EDIT:: I seriously must be the luckiest girl in the world. Right after I wrote this, my lovely b showed up at my house with sugar (i was out and needed to make fudge) coffee (I was out, and needed some badly) and gave me a big hug. He certainly knows how to cheer me up. I couldn't ask for more.

music...again?

I don't know why so many posts lately are about music- sorry for that. BUT, the weather lately (rainy here in boston..rainy in philly too?) goes perfectly with the band Chairlift i mentioned the other day. While Bruises is upbeat, Planet Health is much more mellow, and i weirdly like the underlying asian tones to it.

Planet Health

total opposites

I received this prayer from someone in my community, and I've kept it on my desktop because I like reading it over the day, and saying in my head.

"Lord make haste to help me. Lord make speed to save me"

And- I did something that i'm feeling really guilty about, but i'm not regretting at all. I bought this last night:

chairlift

I bought the new chairlift album "does you inspire you" this week, and I'm in love with it. This song is such a great way to start the day..

Bruises

twitter

does anyone use twitter? If so, pleeeeeese let me know, so I can follow you!

advent conspiracy

leaving again..

bah. I just can't seem to keep myself in philly very long these days. It's hard on me. I don't really like leaving home. I'm back up in Boston this week. 6:30am bus. ewwww. I recently acquired a wii fit, and it has provided some lovely entertainment, and exercise the past week. I thoroughly enjoy watching Walter hula-hoop on it :)




In other news, Christmas is coming up so quick, and I'm having a hard time with it this year. I don't want to buy gifts. Mostly it's because I don't want to think about 45 different things to buy for everyone in my huge family. The small amount of money and meaning in these objects I feel like is so wasteful. I'm stuck in this dilemma of wanting to experience Christmas as God would want me to, but feeling the pressure to experience as the world would have me. To rebel against gift giving, I then become careless, and heartless to certain people in my life. Why can't they understand I'm just trying to celebrate the birth of Christ??

oneyearversary

sooooooooo today was the day one year ago Walter sat me down on my couch before PM and asked if I would be his girl. One year. It's not a very long time at all, but as far as relationships go in my life with boys- this one's a long one. I think it was intimidating for both of us for different reasons, and early on in our relationship we agreed not to celebrate anniversary's on a monthly basis, really just the years, so this was something to celebrate.

We kept it pretty low key. I took him out for breakfast- to our secret spot, and then worked most of the day at home, while he played wii fit, and got his life back in order here in Philly. I made peanut butter and banana sandwiches on toast for lunch, with some cheese we brought back from Switzerland and crackers. We went and got a Christmas tree, and i put my lights up. I'm so glad it's Christmas time. We ate a quick dinner at home, and both had our cells tonight. That was that. Happy One Year b.

Jury Duty Tomorrow ICK!

Gees Bend

The Gees Bend Exhibit is at the Art Museum until the 14th. I am out of town next week, so I'm wondering if there is anyone out there, who wants to go see it sometime this week?

got 6 min 52 sec?

Watch this cool video about our community.