well well

I'm feeling pretty sad today. I don't know exactly how I feel about sharing intimate parts of my life on this very public blog- but I think most everyone who reads this is a personal friend, or family member, and therefore I'm going to share.

For the past 3 or 4 months I've been what I'm finally able to say out loud..depressed. What i mean by "finally able to say out loud" is that I didn't think i was allowed, or able to be depressed. I am a happy person, and I have so many good things in my life. I have no reason to be sad. I've been trying to hide it as best I could- but then i realized, the more i hide it, the less able I am to receive help. I've not had the best reactions from people when I first tried to say it, and that made it hard too. The people closest to me, who I expected to understand the most, understood the least.

I don't want to be sad. I don't want to feel hopeless. And when i feel like i need companionship the most, I end up feeling abandoned. Some days I'm fine, and I feel like it's all good, and then without warning, I get extremely sad, and just want to lay in bed all day and cry.

I really wished it were ok to just be sad sometimes. I think it's so unexpected for people to see me sad- so they ask and ask what's wrong, and I just want to be allowed to feel this way. It's hard enough for me to deal with it- because I am not in control of it, but then i feel guilty about it because the people around me think something is "wrong" with me. I don't think it's wrong. I think it's how I feel, and what I'm going through and I just need some understanding, grace, and maybe a little extra love from you.

I miss my family so much- i can't think about them without wanting to cry.
I feel so utterly lost sometimes. Like "what in the hell am i doing right now??"

I haven't really shared much of this with anyone, because I feel like I can't. I don't think people will understand- so i've been keeping it in. That's getting harder and harder, and I don't really want to do that anymore.

I don't really know what I expected to get out of this. It's just easier to write things down sometimes. I am ok- and I will be ok. But i want to start recognizing my feelings, instead of dismissing them. Here's me trying to do that.

Comments

Joshua Grace said…
i'm glad you get to spend some time with the fam. it may not solve all your problems but sounds like a good time.