weekend of fun

i had to be out of my place today, so im having a slumber party at Lauren's for the weekend! It's mostly good, except when Javi (her cat) tries to attack me. We're being civil for now. We have a day planned to do a bunch of portlandy things before I go. velvet painting museum, saturday market, chinese gardens, etc etc.

I'm going to miss certain things about this city, but mostly with everything I always think "i like it better in philly" so i'm pretty sure I won't miss it for long. What i will miss is: Lauren, Curtis, my job. My job entails the girls I worked with, the customers i came to know and love, and the quirkyness of our little store. I'll also miss some new friends I've met, that had I met them awhile ago I may not have wanted to come back to Philly so badly.

I got into a relationship right when I first moved here. I spent the majority of my first year here being involved with all that comes in a relationship. I didn't give myself room or time to grow here as an individual. I wanted a connection with someone because i was in this new place, and he was nice, and fun and we seemed to get along well. He was different than anyone I had dated previously, but i thought I liked that. i started to grow resentful after months and months of a lot of words, but no action. I began to feel like I was being led on, or lied to. It was hard to trust him anymore. I wanted it to work, but i finally realized it should just work..i shouldn't have to make it work. it should be easy, i should feel blessed, not stressed. it was the first time i ever broke up with some one. it felt good to know what i needed and get it. taking care of myself tends to be a low priority for me. I want to fix and help everyone around me, and i think that's why i get into these relationships with boys who are still figuring their stuff out. I can help them, and fix their problems, and take care of them. It's unhealthy and doesn't make for a very balanced relationship. It's good to grow and learn. I can honestly say I walk away from every relationship I have learning something about myself, and knowing better how to do it next time. It would be nice to not have a next time. I'm enjoying my alone time right now, and am excited for Philly time, and having my ladies around, and getting back in the groove with my community. I always want to be independent, regardless of my relationship status. i need to be my own person, and exist in life as an individual. I don't want to give myself up. I think i'll know when its right because i won't have to. i can be wholly me, and still function along side someone else. what a beautiful thing.

We're turning 26 this year. I'm so glad I'll be able to celebrate siobhlana day. i think i always say, every year "i'm not where i thought i'd be" on my birthday. This year I want to be exactly where I thought I'd be. Here and now. Ever present.

im making plans for next week. who wants to hang? i've already got a honey's date with one of my favorite ladies. i suspect there will be at least one night spent at the lost bar watching a phillies game? how about a drink at the abbaye? a late night bike ride for soft pretzels? Pizza night @ the Keenans? I actually, in my heart of hearts still cannot believe I'm moving back. It doesn't feel real. i can't wait for 3 little girls to wake me up with their soft whispers of "lick her nose!" "no, you lick her nose!"

My mom was right. I'm always happy in Philadelphia.